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Have My Mind Been Going In Circles?

I'm in Portugal right now, visiting my parents who live here, coincidentally I left a bag here 4 years ago where I found 4 notebooks from back then. As I was leafing through the old notebooks this morning, I was intrigued to find that my thoughts seem so similar to now. All the things that I was planning to do, that I'm still planning to do..

A few things have slipped away. Like Mexico. I've held on to this idea that one day I would live in Mexico... but I haven't visited Mexico for 8 years since 2014 until recently where I discovered that I don't want to live in Mexico and the idea that I've held on to was just that. An idea.

Yet because I never pursued the idea because I had all these other things calling me to do first, I held on to the idea of Mexico which in a way prevented me from fully settling anywhere else - like Peru.

But now when I know that Mexico isn't what I wanted it to be, then Peru seems so much more appealing to me now. Funny how my dreaming mind can keep me in loops.

Other than that I still have the same ideas and guidance as to what I should do and what I want to do. I don't seem to have changed much. Not my desires and wants or how I prefer to live my life. That's pretty simple. The question has always been - where?

The thing with Mexico was that I needed to go there to retrieve soul pieces and I needed to receive energetic transmissions. I was also called to San Cristobal De Las Casas to help clean and activate the Ley Line that runs through San Cristobal and then up and down throughout Mexico and all of Central America. So going to Mexico wasn't all for nothing. Not at all, as nothing ever is. But it's still funny how my mind has kept me in a loop about one day living in Mexico. But I also believe that I spent many lifetimes in Mexico and that I hold a deep connection to the land.

Mexico was also where I first ate Peyote back in 2012 and was told to go home to Vancouver and open up a healing studio, to start working as a healer. So Mexico will always have a special place in my heart.

Now I wonder what others ideas or dreams that I've held on to but I haven't pursued yet, that have just been dreams and not actual guidance?

I've been in a deeply feminine passive state for years now, where I've been going through deep healing processes that seem to have taken all my energy and time. I think maybe now I'm starting a different cycle. The expansion process will continue but the depth of my healing may not be as necessary. In a way that's what I hope or maybe the process will simply change its course? There's a part of me that wants to be more in life. Even though I realised that traveling doesn't excite me at all as it would have done to my younger self. I rather long to own my own piece of land and to grow many plants, trees, herbs and flowers. To stay somewhere and put my roots down deep.

I had a day when I woke up in San Cristobal De Las Casas and I woke up from a lucid dream where I was flying everywhere and as I was walking down the streets of San Cristobal wondering how "real" life could seem so dull compared to my dreams. Uff that's such a sad thought isn't it but I realised then and there that I my travels through my inner world is unfortunately so much more exciting to me than traveling in this world.

I guess that's also a sign of inner richness in a way that we may not always talk about spirituality or about awakening. How it does open up to a deep inner world.

What I realised leafing through those notebooks to tie this story together is that I need to pursue all the ideas that I have so that I don't just hold on to some distant dream while distracting myself in the present moment when maybe the dream is just that - a dream.

Hoping to pursue more of a masculine energy of doing and making things happen or at least pursuing the things that I've been thinking of doing for years now.

One of the things that I did notice that was different from back then - is that I am much more together now. When I first arrived to the Sacred Valley in Peru from the jungle; the Apus (the spirits of the mountains) told me that I would become like them from being around them.

I can feel that now, something has deeply settled within me. From having been like the wind that always needed to roam, I'm deeply grounded and I feel whole. Like I don't need to move anymore yet I can go within and from there I can roam. It's kind of beautiful actually and maybe now I finally understand what the Apus meant.

Much Love, thank you for reading!



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