Last year was an odd year for me, in many way the last 5 years have been years where I felt like nothing moved forward for me in my external life. It may have seemed as if I've moved around a lot and a lot of changes took place yet the feeling like I've been just spinning in circles. Looking back I feel that I had to close all the loose ends, ideas that I've held on to that wasn't in the highest for me that needed to be released. Like that dream I had about living in Mexico. Like that dream I had of living in community in the jungle.
I've experienced a deep sense of rootlessness in the last years, not knowing where I belong and where I should live. In the end I realised that I had to make a decision and stand by that decision. My indecisiveness and maybe giving away my own creator power to something else have left me powerless in many ways.
Yet the last years have also really changed my internal reality. I'm much stronger and I have a much stronger self-love and self-acceptance. My people pleasing behaviours and my selflessness have been peeled away. I learned that when I love myself and care for myself first and foremost I can serve better. Whereas before I acted from a place of exhausting myself for others and others expectations and needs, always putting myself last and honestly not valuing myself for what I do and what I am able to do for others.
I've listened too much outwards and not enough inwards, not trusting my inner guidance when relationships haven't felt right. Instead I've made excuses because in the end I suffered from a fear of conflicts, for a fear of disappointing others. Not wanting to stir the pot and therefore not telling my truth. Not expressing how I really feel. Because I had some subconscious believes that certain feelings where bad and not as good. That I should as a healer not experience anger and so I suppressed my anger, I suppressed when others stepped on my boundaries. Which led to deep resentment.
Studying more psychology and especially the roots of my people pleasing patterns have been life changing. That others can't guess my needs, that I have to express them for others to know what they are and maybe at the core that yes I have needs and limits to how much I can give. Or how much I am willing to give. That my anger or anger in general is a guidance that something is in imbalance. That I need to open my voice to express what is out of balance. That it is my responsibility to make myself happy and that comes from expressing my needs and wants.
That selfless people pleasing pattern also enabled others to not look at themselves. I protected them from themselves and truthfully sometimes we need to fall to be able to learn how to walk properly. Falling down in life can sometimes be the greatest gift because it helps us to gain the ability to get it together and we all have that ability.
I also find that I am a better healer because I express my own needs and I can help others to become more self loving and to express their own needs. In the end it's the death of codependency and the beginning of interdependency. Because the relationships that come from this new pattern feel much freer and more loving and way more honest. The end of relationships are not the end of life and as we are moving through so many collective shifts right now I think our relationships are accelerators. They help us to move through patterns much faster if we allow them. When we ask for growth and for healing I find that often the patterns become so acutely present in our face that we cannot ignore them. We have to look at them and we have to move through them to be able to fully heal and let go of them.
In the end I don't need anyone else to like or love me, what I need is for me to love me. For me to like who I am, for me to enjoy living with me. For me to become the love of my life. For me to show up for me. From that place so much love flows and then all the people that resonate to that frequency are attracted to me and the rest falls away. The falling away is a true gift because they weren't in alignment with my highest love as my true self. Does that resonate?
In some way I've held the subconscious belief that giving myself away was the highest path and it left me depleted and broken. Over and over again.
What the last years have showed me is that my purpose here and everyone's purpose here is to love themselves so much that, that love overflows around us and that helps other to find their own love for themselves. It's not being selfish. Actually to be of true service, we have to be of service to ourselves first and foremost. Our natural state of being as humans is giving and loving yet we have to fill our own cup first to be able to be in our highest state of being.
The role as the healer as the martyr is over. That paradigm has to end now.
Expressing our own needs and taking care of ourselves is the highest path. To get there we have to take time to really get to know ourselves and to find out what our true desires are. What is it that our soul desires, truly desires in this lifetime, in this moment?
This is a big question. Take the time to ask yourself this now. What is it that your soul truly desires in this lifetime and in this very moment of now?
See your desires are not random, they are a calling from your soul for you to actualize your higher self on earth. We are all unique and if we operated from our true soul desires humanity would be in complete harmony with each other. Does that resonate? That we are truly created to complement and support each other. That we all have divine gifts to share with each other, yet through social conditioning we lose our uniqueness and our super powers which is our uniqueness.
What your soul truly desires is the highest guidance from source. Listen to it and then start to take actions from that place. No one will ever know you better than you know yourself. You are the only one that can master you and that requires time to get to know you. That often means spending time alone and away from friends and family. That means listening more inwards than outwards, that means trusting your heart and trusting that we don't always know where we will end up yet it will always be the right place to be. Even through heartache and disappointments, broken expectations we break the mold of who we thought we were supposed to be. We break the mold of the idea of self to the authentic self. For me that has never been what I thought it should be. Life has always shown me that I should ask for more. That I can have more. That I settled for less.
So believe me when I tell you that you are so loved. That everything that's happening in your life is showing you how you can love yourself more, how you can become the embodiment of true love and that always starts with you loving yourself first and foremost.
Thank you for reading! So much love!
Kristina