I noticed a great change in my own mind this last year. I always used to have these stories of who I am and what I do and they have in a way been a backdrop to my writing and now I don't have many stories to land on anymore. So when I sit down and write, there's rather a feeling of not knowing what to write?
A feeling of not knowing what to share anymore and not knowing what may or may not be important to share.
At first I thought that maybe I lost my creative urges yet then I realised that I might just have a lost a part of my ego identity. This voice telling me what I am and this idea of myself. I realised that I don't have a clue of how I may be perceived anymore. Interesting isn't it? That before I used to have this idea of who I am and how others perceive me and now I don't even know what that might be.
This year especially I also realised that how others perceive me has very little to do with who I am or what I do. Nor does it seem to matter what I do or say to how others perceive me. As if everyone are living in their own dream world, their own dream reality (as do I).
The mind has a way of categorising the world around itself as well as it self, this identity of self. I am this or that, I can do this and that. I am good at this or that.
Have you ever found yourself reiterating an event with someone else, retelling the story how they reacted and what you said and then making a statement how you came out from the interaction. 'I put the person in place or I talked to them in this or that matter etc' - what I realised is that it's all a perspective. None of it may be true, maybe only from your point of view.. Yet I also understand that the mind has this way of making sense of the world.
The interesting aspect of this is to look at our own perspective and see where we put ourselves. What narrative do we use and how do we position ourselves in regards to others? Are we always better? Smarter? Or are we always less? Less capable, less smart, less attractive?
This contemplation is not meant to make you feel less about yourself rather to witness the idea of self that we hold about ourselves and the world that we interact with. Often our thoughts and perspectives goes in repetitive patterns. This is where we can step into change our patterns so that we can become more at ease with our own world.
If you have a need to bring yourselves up, then why is that? Where are you bringing yourself up from and why? And if you have a tendency to bring yourselves down, then why is that?
Contemplation is a wonderful way to just bring things into our awareness and sit with them and see what realisations may come through? Remember to be gentle and open up to hold compassion for yourself that's how we can change our own ways, that may somehow limit ourselves and our interactions with the world around us. By becoming aware and taking the time to listen inwards to see why we hold certain patterns and why they are there in the first place and how they may colour our own reality and our own perspective in one way or another.
The beautiful thing is that if we hold a negative perspective of ourselves and others then we also have the power to change from within. In my own experience sometimes old set ways can need determination for them to shift and to also understand why some of them may be in place. If they are really stubborn, then are they there because they are somehow protecting some part that feels unsafe? If so how can I self-soothe and make that part of my self feel safe again?
Much Love, Kristina
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