The lines of self are blurred and becoming more blurred by the moment. I've lost myself so many times these last years.
Who I am isn't defined anymore.
Who I am becoming isn't known either.
It scares me.
That I am not sure who I am becoming, but underneath it all I also understand myself more than I have ever have.
The other night I was going to sleep and I felt myself being pulled into the quantum field. Into the oneness and I thought I was dying, or rather I thought I was leaving my physical body permanently at that moment so I held on to my body until I was back again and then I slipped away into sleep.
I find it funny how scared I am of "losing" this identity, this embodiment, yet I'm not sure what I'm holding onto anymore?
The stories of who I am are slipping away from me yet I'm holding on to something not fully ready to let go.
The longing to be without form and yet this deep attachment to this identity, to this body and to this personality.
I've changed my name these past years and then changed back to my birth name again.
Somehow not coming back as I thought I would.
Going through these many inner and outer transitions makes me hesitate to hold onto anything yet at the same time there's a desire to connect even deeper.
This past year the desire and the need to spend a lot of time inside have been immense. I feel like I had to listen really deeply to myself, both my higher self and my ego.
I've had to take deep responsibility for my own life and my own choices, as well as my thoughts (good or bad) and how they create my life and how I view the world.
In the past year I've so wanted to connect with more people and to share more of myself but instead I've been pulled deep inside. I've been observing myself so deeply that I had to take the responsibility to change my thought patterns and shift them over to better more giving helpful thoughts for myself and others but mostly for my own wellbeing, for my own inner peace. The personal responsibility have really been the key to learning to trust myself again.
I'm still very much in this process but now I'm finally able to reflect over this inner transition and to be able to communicate with words again.
My mind feels softer than its ever been, I've let go of some of my former rigidity of right and wrong, how my mind used to paint the world so black and white. This last month especially I felt that when my mind made a statement then my higher self would agree and then moments later give me another perspective that was just as right even though it also stood against my former assumption. This happened again and again, over and over. Exhausting yet it reformed my mind. I find that my mind now looks for other perspectives as it has made a statement or judgement. My mind is much more open after this process and more curious to see all perspectives and to deeply understand.
Much Love, Kristina