I spent my evening reading about what all the houses in astrology means and how they relate to me and my chart. There's something deeply comforting for me to read and understand myself through charts rather than trying to figure who I am in relation to others. Cause I often find myself as an alien looking into a world that I don't really feel too much at home in.
What was great was understanding that that's exactly how I should feel since I have the Aquarius in my 11th house. My chart explains to me why I feel so different, why I feel so out of place all the time. Why I need so much time to myself. With Pisces in my 12th house saying that I hide my sensitivity from the world and I do. All the time. I have all my life.
I see and hear things all the time. Yet I never express it, instead I get overwhelmed and go and hide. Often there's not much to say because people don't understand unless they've experienced it themselves.
I have since I was born always experienced the Kundalini energy. I used to pull up the energy through my spine when I was a kid, it felt really nice and I used to do it all the time. Not thinking or knowing that it was something out of the ordinary.
After my full kundalini awakening of course everything got even more intense and I felt everything everything around me. I am way more 'protected' now then I was then but I am also becoming more and more sensitive, every day I shift so even if I know how to cut the energy off, it still comes through.
This is not a post of bragging on how evolved I am. This post is to highlight and maybe give some understanding to the people in my life why I act the way I do.
I am becoming increasingly sensitive. I think that if I would have told my 14 year old self, that I was working as a healer removing peoples pain with only my mind as a tool. I think I would have thought myself to be pretty badass. Yet there are implications of beings as sensitive as I am.
Many that has spent some more time with me, has also experienced when I pull away. When I cannot be around people anymore because its overwhelming. I feel so much, of everything. I feel more than people themselves feel. People today are so numbed out and the majority of the human population is in deep pain. Everyone is suffering. In one way or another. I feel it. I feel it all.
Even when I'm just walking down the street I feel it. I feel it when I'm paying at the checkout, I feel it when cars are driving past me. I feel it sitting next to you. I feel it all.
Right after my awakening, I just wanted to find a monastery where I could meditate for the rest of my life. I just wanted to sit in bliss and never leave. I was not especially interested in life here on earth. But life itself had other plans for me or rather my higher self wouldn't let me. This was not the time for being in the cave. This was time for work. To become the healer that I am still becoming.
Its weird isn't it. To say the things I am now saying. Because most of you if any can understand because you don't experience the world as I do. Even my own brother has tried to convince my parents that I am crazy and that I need help. Maybe one of the most hurtful things anyone has ever done to me. Ever.
But I understand. He does not know. He doesn't understand. So he's acting from his limited perspective.
But. I have my whole life felt like a weirdo. Like I'm crazy. Cause I've always seen things, spirits, lights, presences of things that aren't supposedly 'there'. So what do I do? Eventually when you faced the blank stare enough times, or you've been questioned enough times. You go quiet. You keep it to yourself.
My dad assures me often that I am not crazy. I'm just very special. :) My dad is awesome by the way, without him I probably wouldn't be alive today. He doesn't get at all what I do but he supports me times a million. So does my mom and my 2nd dad too. In that a sense I am blessed beyond, I have the most loving beautiful parents. That accepts me just the way I am.
Anyway I am getting of track.. I realized today why I hold back so much knowledge and why I am afraid of sharing what I know. Because I am afraid to be crazy. I am still wondering if what I do is maybe just make believe.
I feel wrong and weird for needing so much time to myself. Being social is overwhelming to me, its hard to talk about nothing while I'm feeling your heartache. Its true. I tend to want to be around people that I've worked on. A lot. It seems to be my curse if I can call it that. That I am so sensitive in a world that is so incredibly numbed out.
So I found my haven, a cottage, a cabin out in the woods. Just me and my cat. I don't feel anyones energy here. I am surrounded by some of the worlds oldest Douglas Fir trees and I can feel their grounded energy surrounding me. No other disturbances. I thought that I would go back and forward from Vancouver out here but I don't want to leave. Nor do I really want anyone here and that has been bothering me. That I am turning into a hermit.
But this is how I am the happiest. This is how I can do my work. This is how I can be of service. So there you go. If I'm distant and if I don't get in touch, its mostly because I cannot have enough time to myself. I only crave more.
Thank you for reading! I love you!
*** Kundalini energy is life force energy, which can also be experienced as sexual energy. Its one and the same but can be used in many more ways that just sexual pleasure. The life force energy is what keeps you and me alive in this reality. For some that are dormant its a little trickle of energy coming up through your spine. For activated people, its an energy that can be felt throughout your body and can make us have mystical experiences. Its also the energy that men sends into the female egg which becomes a child. For awakened people its a constant radiating energy that emanates from within, constantly, continuously, all the time, never ending expansion. Its who we are. Its the light that we all come from. Its pure Love. ***