I've realised these past years that forgiveness doesn't come by itself unless I've been determined to forgive. My mind has interfered so many times arguing for why "they" did wrong and why the feeling of forgiveness almost felt threatening. Because if I forgave would I put myself in danger? Would I let the people that hurt me back in a position to hurt me?
So I've prayed to God to help me see the way beyond my mind because the unforgiveness I've carried has felt too much of a burden to carry and lately I've been tired of reiterating the same story over and over again. Yes I have compassion for myself and my own healing process but I also feel I am completely done with the past. I'm done with feeling like a victim.
I think that's a sign of healing, the willingness to let go. I understand that I cannot force myself to forgive or to let go. Sometimes it's a process that takes time. For me I needed to start feeling safe within myself again and I needed to start trusting myself again. That I could make the right decisions in my life without putting myself in danger.
It meant that I had to do some deep inner work with my inner child. That part of myself that felt out of control, that felt that she was not in control and that others ruled her world and that she had to be dependent on people that felt unsafe to her. I had to be the one that reached out a hand to my inner child and said - I got this. I am there for you. I am listening. I am hearing and seeing you. I will hold you until you feel better again. I got the time and I got the space for you, however long you need.
Then the realisation came that this - whatever 'this' is/was.. this came up so that I could heal 'this'. That's also why this process took so much longer than what I would have thought and expected of myself. Because it touched upon something so much deeper. It touched upon a place deep inside where I didn't feel safe in the world. Where I didn't feel safe to be me.
It was never really about them. It was always about me. About what this process triggered within me so that I could heal, so that I could start to love myself, so that I could start to respect myself. As I am. It has also allowed me to start taking responsibility for myself and how I show up in the world. It doesn't overwhelm me anymore because I don't find the world overwhelming anymore. In the place where I was, where I felt unsafe within, because I felt dependent on the world around me to feel 'safe' to be able to feel safe inside. Thus it left me in a place where I needed to control what happened around me. It made me dependent on the world around me.
In a way I understand that I am dependent on the world around me, we are all interdependent on each other in different ways. Yet that feeling of trust in God, trust in my place within this dream. Trust that wherever I go, there I am. Yet that used to feel like I needed to hold on to something. Rather now, I find that I can let go, let myself free fall into the unknown.
It's funny because in many ways, I have taught others about this, I know this process intellectually. I have moved through this process before, yet this time I went deeper than before and maybe I can say that I embodied the teaching so much more. Another layer of integration has taken place.
That part of myself that felt shame for not having handled the situation, the process better. That part of me that thought I should move through all of this so much faster. That part has accepted where I am. Because I can see the benefits of having gone deeper in this process. My heart feels different, my energy feels different. My heart is more open yet the love feels different from before. I used to be so submissive and wanting to please so bad. I loved so deeply but with a pattern of abandoning myself in the process. Now my love feels strong yet not submissive, not below and not above. My restlessness have left me, my need to go here and there has left me. Most of all I feel like a great tree with great roots that is ready to settle down. To let what may come to come. From within and from without.
Thank you for reading.
So much love,
Kristina