3.5 years ago after separating from my then husband, I vowed to marry myself but instead I fell heedlessly in love with someone else, the most inconvenient, the most impossible. Someone that would illuminate all the pieces of my heart & soul that wasn't whole, that was broken, that needed to be mended, that needed to be healed (great experience for an aspiring healer :) )... never experienced such a deep love, such a profound cosmic merging of two souls in pure Love, nor have I ever experienced anything so excruciatingly painful.
In my last ceremony with Huachama, I asked everything that was blocking me from a life long partnership to be cleared & out of nowhere this love that I thought I healed, this love that I thought I left to the past came back once again. Asking for forgiveness, both for myself and for him. For me to forgive everything that I thought that I had done wrong, for everything that I wished would have been done differently now, now when I'm not that broken anymore.
Yet the past cannot be seen through the windows of the now, too late & I'm not her anymore, nor can I become her again without that which was broken. Also coming to the realization that without him, without everything that was so broken and so wrong, I would not be her that I am today. I would not be able to see the world as I see it, nor would I be able to see Love as I see it. Or to see myself as I am with the Love & the acceptance that I have for myself, that I didn't have then..
This last month has been rough in many ways for me, allowing myself again to feel that which I didn't want to feel anymore, that which I haven't wanted to feel for so long.. That which I buried so deep within myself, that which I was so tired of feeling. For me to dig out all the love that I've covered deep within in me, to allow myself to Love even though it wasn't as I have wanted it to be but knowing that you cannot undo once you really love. That the love that is real can never be undone. Covered, hidden yes, but eternally there nonetheless.
We are going into an age of unconditional love, our hearts are being pulled to the epicentre of all that we can be, continuous everlasting expansion. Opening our hearts and allowing ourselves to really truly feel can be the most frightening and excruciating experience but I don't think there's anything as rewarding. Having compassion and patience for yourself at this time of transition, of new beginnings is crucial.
Sometimes healing takes time, sometimes it needs to be for it to mature, for us to mature. To mature into the richness of real love, real lovemaking beautiful people that understands the power of real forgiveness and that cannot be achieved unless we experience it. It doesn't matter how many books that we read, how many movies that we watch, in the end when we fall in love, we will fall in our own way, with our own patterns and those are our own to keep. Those are our own to untangle and live through, we cannot love through someone else's experience, we can touch upon it yes. But to truly experience it, to truly feel it we have to live through it.